


how long can we keep this up?

by BUTTERYCUPS



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, anyways pls read, calum loves michael a lot, i think, i'm not sure, luke and ashton are mentioned - Freeform, this is just a lot of calum pining while him and michael sleep together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-02
Updated: 2015-10-02
Packaged: 2018-04-24 11:43:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4918234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BUTTERYCUPS/pseuds/BUTTERYCUPS
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Calum's never been so in love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	how long can we keep this up?

Calum’s never seen Michael so quiet.

There’s a light hum of snores coming from the older lad, sure, but they’re so gentle and soft. As they lay there in the comfort of today’s king sized hotel bed, Calum rests comfortably in Michael’s arms. His head rests against his chest as pale arms wrap around his waist. The hum of Michael’s heartbeat almost makes Calum feel like he’s back home, even if they’re about twelve thousand miles from Sydney. It’s been the same since he was nine to this very moment: Michael’s always been his home.

He just wishes it was the same for Michael.

He’s known Michael long enough to know the way he is. Michael’s got bright eyes and a soft tummy and underneath the fair skin covering the span of his chest, underneath his ribcages, there’s a damaged heart that the boy can’t handle hold together on his own. The only way Michael attempts to keep it together is by handing it off to anyone who will pay him the slightest of mind. Calum just wishes he was one of those people.

But he’s too terrified, he figures. What they have is good. What they have is a friendship, one where Michael finds comfort within the confines of Calum’s arms each time his heart gets broken. It’s never anything permanent. Michael trusts Calum, and that’s enough for him. Michael will always be enough for him.

Still, there’s a feeling of low, simmering jealous that takes home in the pit of Calum’s stomach upon watching the ways Michael curls into Luke’s side and keens into Ashton’s every touch. Ashton had always put it best when he said that Michael fell in love everyday.

And despite the fact that both Ashton and Luke are in committed relationships with _girls_ , Calum can’t help but fear that one day, Michael’s going to fall in love with someone. Michael’s going to fall in love with someone one day who he may or may not spend a majority of his life with, and Calum knew better than to hope that he’d be that someone.

So he did what he could. He cherished nights where Michael tangled their legs together and held him closely. He mended broken hearts and refrained from attacking anyone who let their fingertips dance over Michael’s soft skin. He’d never in his life been extremely religious, but on nights like this, when Michael’s heart is recovering from its recent beating, he finds himself praying to God for some kind of sign that one day he’ll get a chance to love his best friend the way he wants to.

Truth be told, Calum could go out every night with Luke and allow the alcohol to take control of himself until he forgot his name, but no amount of cheap beer could ever numb the yearning for Michael that had gradually taken ahold of his entire body. It’s ridiculous, falling so in love that it’s completely taken ahold of him. But this is Michael, and for some reason, Calum’s taken to justifying every single thing Michael does. There’s not a single bone in Michael’s body that could ever do anything with the intentions of hurting someone else.

Michael stirs beneath Calum, shifting yet still keeping an iron grip on the younger boy’s waist. He’s beautiful, with sun radiating through each and every one of his pores. Calum could really love him for the rest of his life.

But he’s not allowed to. Because Michael doesn’t love him back, at least not the way Calum loves him, and because the _world_ won’t allow him to. Because being in a band means sacrifices, and it means giving up every single ounce of electricity he feels with his skin touching Michael’s for the sake of keeping their reputation. He’s already almost ruined all of their careers once, and he won’t allow himself to do it again. He won’t ruin what he has with Michael. It’s a privilege, really. It’s not everyday you meet someone who’s bursting with light, who has a fire so intense within their eyes. 

Michael’s his soulmate. 

It’s the simplest, purest way to say it. His soul was made to meet Michael’s. His smile was made for Michael’s eyes, and Michael’s laugh was made for Calum’s ears. Even if there’s no way Calum could ever have a chance romantically with Michael, he knows that the two of them were destined to meet. There’s no other explanation behind the way they seem to fit together so perfectly.

Michael’s eyes flutter open, revealing emerald irises behind thick lashes. While letting out a loud yawn, his arms tighten around Calum’s waist, and he snuggles the younger boy even closer.

“How long have I been out?” Michael questions, his voice low and husky and still laced heavily with sleep. (Calum has to resist the stirring in his pants.)

“An hour or so. It’s around midnight now–“

“And you’re still not asleep?” Michael interjects. His arms leave Calum to rub at his own eyes, and Cal has to refrain from pouting at the loss of contact. 

“Too busy thinking,” Calum explains, to which Michael only frowns. 

“About what?” The grogginess from his voice is gone, and he’s turning on his sides so he can face Calum. Their faces are a few inches apart, but Calum feels like he can still feel the warmth of Michael’s breath lingering against his skin.

“You,” Calum answers without a second thought. Michael snorts at this, rolling his eyes in that familiar way as he just grins at Calum.

“And what about me, Cal?” He asks, his eyebrows raised just the slightest.

Calum shuts his eyes, inhaling sharply. Because, really, he’s never sure what’s he’s thinking about when it comes to Michael. It’s never anything he can put into words. All he knows is that Michael is the only thing ever in his mind, and the thoughts are too incoherent for him to ever vocalize. Because when it comes to Michael, everything is blurry. From the lines between friendship and love separating the two of them, and the fuzzy, distant stars Calum can see within his eyes. They’ve never had anything that could be defined by simply words pulled out of a dictionary. Every single thing Calum felt for Michael was unearthly.

“I don’t think I could live without you,” Calum admits breathlessly. “Bro.”

 (He figures the bro part will imply ‘ _no homo_ ,’ despite the fact that he’s screaming, “Yes! All the homo!” in his mind.)

Michael lets out a laugh. It’s a bit tense, and Calum notices the way Michael casts his gaze downwards to avoid eye contact. “I could’t live without you either, Cal,” Michael repeats back. 

“It’s so fucking weird, y’know?” Calum says, and it’s like once he starts, he can’t get himself to just _shut the fuck up._ “Like, I used to think it was complete and utter bullshit, but it’s such a strange thing. Like, the fact that someone comes along and all of a sudden you can’t be yourself without that one person right there. Just– being so in love, having someone so integrated within yourself, to the point where they’re you. They’re the thing that brings the real you out. They’re your shelter. The place where you go when you need safety and love and protection. They’re there and the rest of the world falls away. You’re– You’re my shelter, Mikey. You’re all of that to me.”

_‘And I just hope I’m all of that to you,’_ he adds in his head.

Calum’s met with the loudest of silences as Michael lets his green eyes meet Calum’s. And there’s something mixed in within the viridian hues, something that almost looks like _sadness_. His pretty, plump lips are parted, and Calum can’t help the way his heartbeat picks up. He clenches his jaw, mentally trying to remind himself that this is _not_ the way best friends think about each other. He has to remind himself that Michael’s completely straight, and Calum’s completely straight– but Michael makes his heart feels things he’s never felt in his entire life. 

Michael’s lips remain slightly parted, but his eyes shut tightly as he brings his hand up to rest against Calum’s hipbone. His thumb rubs soothingly against Calum’s skin, and Calum can’t help the way his breath catches in his throat. It’s a weird thing, really. He can’t breathe without him, and when they are together, all he can do is panic to the point where he can’t even breathe.

“I love you,” Calum confesses. And it’s thoughtless, really, but it comes out so easily that he can’t help it. As soon as it escapes his mouth, he regrets it but knows he can’t just leave it at that. He’s spent months, even _years_ , rehearsing this moment in his head, and there’s so many different ways he wants to say it. To show it. Michael deserves to be shown love in every single way. “I know you, I know things about you that I don’t even know about myself. I know you better than I know anything else in this world, and maybe– maybe I’m not sure of who I am or what I’m doing like, at any time at all. But I fucking love you, Mikey. You are the only thing in this shitty world that I’m sure of. I love every single part of you– The good, the bad. I know it all, and I accept it, and I just fucking love you, so endlessly. I can’t keep it in anymore.”

Michael’s eyes are open again, and Calum’s entire chest aches. He’s so _fucking breathtakingly_ beautiful. He’s not sure how anyone in the world could resist falling in love with him. He’s so beautiful, and Calum’s not sure how he got lucky enough to be able to witness such ethereality in person.

“But I don’t want you to love me back,” Calum adds, turning so he’s laying on his back. He shuts his eyes as tightly as he possibly can, until he can see bursts of colors among the dark. It’s easier this way– looking at Michael gives him a sense of false hope, and it makes him far too over-confident. It makes him feel content with himself. “I don’t want you to love me back because it’s going to ruin everything. Because I don’t want to ruin the band, or our friendship. I just– I guess I just needed you to know that I care, more than anyone possibly could, about you. My heart will always be entirely yours, and as much as I love you, I can’t let you love me back. I can’t let this happen.”

A sad smile spreads across Michael’s lips, and Calum knows that look all too well. “I know,” he whispers. He’s never sounded more soft, more small, than this very moment, and Calum’s heart is _aching_. “I wish things were different, though. I wish we actually had a chance.”

Calum laughs– it’s sharp, sarcastic, and cuts echoes through the dimly-lit hotel room. “I mean, isn’t this how it goes? You meet your soulmate, fall desperately in love, and then have it all ripped away from you just so you can pursue your life-long dream?”

“That’s the thing, Cal,” Michael murmurs, already turning his back towards the younger boy. “It’s really not _my_ dream without you in it.”

They fall asleep with Calum in a fit of tossing and turning and Michael in a string of nightmares. And despite the fact that they’re sharing a queen sized bed together, Michael’s never felt further away from Calum.

**Author's Note:**

> come find me on [tumblr](http://radicalmalum.tumblr.com/) or [twitter.](twitter.com/maydaysmalum)


End file.
